Dear diary!
by LadyLudvika
Summary: Harriet keeps a diary during the episode "Second Spring"
1. 12th of August 1881

Note: I am Swedish and English is not my native language, therefore it may occure some faults.

**12th of August 1881**

Dear diary!

What a day this has been! Nels has been in a really bad mood the whole day. It all started with him catching Willie eating candy out of one of the jars in the mercantile. I am sure that Nels would have killed Willie if I had not gotten there in time. I really do not understand why Nels got so angry? For heaven sake, Willie is just a child! He is a growing boy and he was just having a little after school snack. Can you blame him for that? Apparently my husband can. He spoke to Willie in such a manner that he have never spoken to him before. He called him a "terrible thing to have for a son". Are a father really allowed to say such awful things about his own child? I tried to come to my Willie's defense but Nels would not listen, instead we got into an argument and he told me that I bore him. Well Nels Oleson, you bore me too! To make things worse, that know-it-all Charles Ingalls, walked in just as Willie fled for his life. Do you know what my husband said?

"I apologize for my son."

He did not have to apologize for Willie! He did not do anything wrong! But of course, Nels is always trying to suck up to Charles. As I left the store I could hear Charles telling Nels that he had forgotten his wedding anniversary. Ha! Isn't that a typical farmer for you? So stupid and slow that they even can't remember what day they got married on. I am sure that Nels would never forget our wedding anniversary, he never has so far. He always gives me flowers or some fancy French perfume. One year he even got me a pair of diamond earrings. Well, enough about that. Nels had another fit later in the evening. He was preparing dinner (a tongue that would have been delicious if it had not burned) when Nellie came in to the kitchen and told us that a family of eight just came in to her restaurant and that they were starving. Nels, who usually loves to cook – both at home and at the restaurant – started arguing and telling me that a woman's place was in the kitchen. My place is absolutely not in the kitchen! Why would I spend my days cooking and sewing when I have such a brilliant business sense? No! I am not a woman, I am a merchant! We were of course able to convince Nels to go over to Nellie's and cook and he left me with the responsibility to look after the tongue. That was easier said and done. All of a sudden the tongue caught fire! It was not my fault, I swear! I mean, I did not know that that would happen if you did not take it out exactly at the right time. Nels should have told me that! It is all his fault! Well… I went over to fetch Nels so he could help me to put the fire out. Oh god, I don't believe I have ever seen him so angry! When he took the tongue out he started swearing, calling us fools and he throw his apron on the floor and yelled that he was going to get out of the house and out of Walnut Grove as soon as he possibly could. Should I be worried? At first I was, but not anymore. He would never leave us! How would he get along without us? No, I am sure that there is no reason for me to worry. He is still rather upset and he refuses to sleep in our bedroom. Well… I am sure that he will change his mind in an hour or so and join me in bed. After all, he has never been able to resist my charm. Now it is time for me to put the light out and go to sleep.


	2. 16th of August 1881

Note:I am Swedish and English is not my native language, therefore it may occur some faults.

**16th of August 1881 **

Dear diary!

I'm quite worried! Nels left today. I never ever thought that would happen. He usually calms down after a day or two, but these past days have been absolutely terrible. He has been ignoring me. He hasn't looked at me once and I don't believe that he have said more than ten words to me. I don't understand! The day after our little fight he got hold of an old buggy of some sort. He asked Charles Ingalls to fix it up and yesterday evening Charles brought it here. It was truly the ugliest thing that I have ever seen! It is red and has a yellow text which reads: "_Mobile Emporium – Nels Oleson – owner and proprietor"_. My husband got this stupid idea of travelling about Hero Township bringing the merchandise to the customers and not vice versa. That can't work, can it? To be honest, I hope that he will not be successful. I don't want him to be away from me and the children. I tried to persuade him to stay, I actually forbid him to go but he would not listen. No! He told me that we needed to spend some time apart because we were driving each other crazy. That is nonsense! That is just an excuse for him to get out of his responsibilities. Do you know what he said when I asked him when he would be back home? He said:

"When you see me, you know."

What kind of an answer is that? He could be gone a day or a year. Well, there is no need for me to worry really. I know that he will be back home in a couple of days with his hat in his hand begging me to forgive him and telling me how much he have missed me. It is going to work out just fine. It always does.


	3. 20th of August 1881

**20th of August 1881**

Dear diary!

Nels has been away for four day and I have not heard a single word from him. One could at least expect him to send me a little tiny telegram but no… nothing! How am I supposed to contact him if something would happen to the children? I mean, I have no idea where he is. They could be lying in their beds dying and he would not know about it. Or maybe he just would not care. Oh, of course he would. He loves his children even though he does not always show it. I guess his business must be going quite well since he is not home yet. To tell the truth, I had expected him home after a day or so. Well, maybe his old wagon broke down somewhere along the road and that is the reason that he has not come home. Perhaps he is waiting for it to be repaired. Yes, that must be it! I am sure he is stuck in some boring little boarding house somewhere just longing to go home. He must be absolutely miserable!

Caroline Ingalls came in to the store today. She asked about Nels. I told her that the wagon store was actually my idea. What was I supposed to say? I couldn't tell her that Nels invented it to get away from me. I could barely keep the tears away when Caroline asked me if I missed him. Of course I miss him! But I have the children and that is a great comfort. Still, it is not the same. I can't talk to the children the way that I can talk to Nels. They are company, but they are not Nels. Speaking of the children. I caught Willie stealing candy yesterday so I decided to lock it all away. He will not have any teeth left if he keeps stuffing himself with sourballs and jelly beans. He has been in such a bad mood since his father left. I believe that he misses him. We all do! Well, I have to do some inventory before I go to bed and since it is already late I better get started. I hope Nels will be back tomorrow.


	4. 25th of August 1881

**25th of August 1881**

Dear diary!

I am so very happy! Nels came home today! At four o'clock this afternoon Nellie came in to the store and told me that Nels was coming. I flung the fabric which I was measuring aside and ran to meet him. Oh was I glad to see him! He was standing with his back to me but that did not stop me from embracing him. It was so nice to be near him again after nine days apart. Strangely enough, he did not seem as happy to see me. I am sure that he was just nervous! I asked him if we could have his delicious pork roast for supper but he did not give me a real answer. As we sat down to have dinner I was disappointed to find that he had not granted my wish. He had just fixed us a couple of cold sandwiches. But who can blame him? I am sure that he is dead tired! Oh, how nice it is to have him home again. I'm so happy I could cry.

Nels is downstairs locking up the store at the moment and I am preparing a nice little surprise for him. I am sure that he has longed for me while we've been apart so I'm going to put on my beautiful new nightgown from Paris (which Nels admired in the catalogue a couple of months ago) and wear ribbons in my hair. I'm sure that he will be overjoyed! But wait… I don't think I'll take my new nightgown. No, I'll wear my regular yellow one. I don't want Nels to think that I've tried too hard to look beautiful for him. Besides, I will not be wearing the nightgown for long… I can hear him walking up the stairs so I better get ready. Oh, how very happy I am!

**11:56 p.m**

I should not be writing at this moment. Tears are falling down my cheeks and onto the page and ruining what I have already written. But I can't help it; I have to get this off my chest. I am so afraid that Nels does not love me anymore. For the first time since we married, he turned away from me in bed. He has never ever done that! I can figure out what I did wrong? I just slipped into bed, leaned over, placed a kiss on his cheek and told him that I had missed him. To my surprise he did not say anything. I asked him if he had missed me. Oh dear god, do you know what his answer was? He said:

"I was awfully busy Harriet. It really didn't have much time to think about it."

I never felt so hurt in my entire life! Well… maybe I have. But I don't want to think about what happened between Russell and me all those years ago. That is history! I tried to pretend that Nels's word did not hurt me and I said to him that I wished that he would not go out again. But he told me that business is good and that he is leaving the day after tomorrow. If this is not bad enough he will be taking a larger stock and will be out longer. What is the matter with him? Why is he doing this to me? We have had our arguments and quarrels before but he has never been like this. What am I to do? What can I do? I have a feeling that I am losing him. That I can't get through to him. Well… I just feel so sad! It is late and I'll better get back to bed. Nels fell asleep just a minute after dismissing me but I could of course not fall asleep. Hopefully I'll be able to get a couple of hour's good sleep after getting this off my heavy chest, but I doubt it. I'll hope that Nels will be back to his old self tomorrow and that I will be able to convince him to stay home. I am sure that I will be successful! He couldn't possibly dismiss me two times in a row. That is impossible!


	5. 27th of August 1881

27th of August 1881

Dear diary!

For the first time in my life I have to admit that I was wrong. Apparently it is possible for my husband to dismiss me two times in a row. He left today with a very large stock, just as he said he would. I had hoped that he would change his mind or at he at least would feel a bit sad to leave the children and me, but no – he looked so happy and pleased with himself when he got up on his ugly wagon wearing that ridiculous outfit. For some reason (to look good for the costumers according to Nels) he had decided that it was necessary for him to dress up in a purple shirt and a blue sweater. A purple shirt? It did not fit him at all, but he wouldn't listen to me. I am not surprised! It feels like he doesn't care at all for what I think and say nowadays. I felt so terribly helpless watching him go. I almost felt like crying. At least I got to know that he is staying at a boarding house in Tracy. It is apparently his "home base". Isn't that ridiculous?

Nels has been behaving so awfully strange these past short days that he has been at home. I tried to talk to him, to reconcile with him but he has just been ignoring me. How am I supposed to make things better for him if he refuses to discuss our situation? He just seems so distant! I wish that we could forget about everything that have happened these past weeks and go back to normal. He often annoys me and gets on my nerves, but I do love him and I miss having him around. I do know that I can be a bit, well, a bit "much" sometimes and maybe he just needs to be alone for a couple of weeks to realize how much he loves me, because he _do_ love me. He has told me that himself.

There is one thing that I absolutely can't understand. How is it possible for Nels to spend so many days away from the children? When I go away without Nellie and Willie I feel so lonely and sad. It is like a part of me is missing. He usually cares so much about them but during these past two days he has been so cold, so distant. Willie tried to show him something yesterday but Nels barely looked at what Willie showed him. And worse than that, he didn't even say goodbye to them this morning. He just left! I would never ever do that! I mean, nothing is more important than the children. Oh, I do wish that he could come home and that he would be himself again. I miss him so!

Now, I can't write anymore because I still haven't counted today's receipts. I thought that I might call the boarding house in Tracy before I go to bed and make sure that Nels got there alright. Yes, I think I will do that. I am sure that Nels will be delighted to hear my voice. I just hope that the boarding house has a telephone. They must have, I mean – even mrs Foster has one. Oh, I'm so excited!


	6. 28th of August 1881

28th of August 1881

Dear diary!

I tried to telephone the boarding house that Nels is staying at but I could not. According to the operator in Tracy, a very rude and ignorant woman, the "sweet and wonderful miss Molly does not own a telephone". The sweet and charming Molly? I tried to get the operator to tell me more about his "charming" miss Molly but the damn woman wouldn't tell me anything! If she had telephoned me and asked me to tell her what I knew about mrs Ingalls for example I would gladly have done it. But this woman, she just wouldn't cooperate. It would not surprise me at all if she is listening in on other people's phone calls. She is clearly a very unpleasant woman!

I must say that this Molly has made me quite worried. Who is she? How old is she? Is she beautiful? Oh, I do wish that she is old and ugly, smelly and fat! But the operator would not call her sweet and charming if she was, would she? No, I'm afraid that this Molly is a young girl who is running her boarding house just to get herself a husband. Oh, what a scheming woman! Maybe she is the reason for why Nels was so eager to get back on the roads? Maybe it was for her that Nels got all dressed up and not for the customers? Maybe Nels is in love with this woman? Good grief, could it be so? No, I'm sure that it couldn't. But all signs are there! He has been behaving awfully strange, he turned away from me in bed and he got all dressed up in clothes that only a very young and flamboyant man would wear. Oh, dear god! No, it can't be true, it just can't! Nels would never do something like that. Or would he? No, of course not! I am just a little bit tired and I'm just being silly. No, I need to concentrate on the big sale that I am having tomorrow. I plan to raise the prices on yard goods with fifteen percent and then take off ten percent. Yes, that is what I need to focus on. After all, nothing warms the cockles of my heart like a steady flow of cash!


	7. 8th of September 1881

8th of September 1881

Dear diary!

Nels has now been away from home for ten days. Ten days? I feel so alone and so afraid! Where is he? What is he doing? Why hasn't he come home yet? I have not forgotten that he told me that he would be out longer this time, but still – I never expected him to be gone for this long. I guess that his wagon store is a big success. Why else would he still be away? I never thought that Nels was much of a business man, but apparently I was wrong. He must be doing a blooming business. Oh, I so want him to come home. I miss him so terribly much. I always thought that he would be lost without me, but as it turns out, I'm lost without him. I can barely do anything. The only thing that I think about is him. I am constantly wondering what he is doing! I wonder if he thinks of me all the time? Probably not! He has made it quite clear that he does not care for me anymore. Ohhh! I have to get this ridiculous thought out of my head! Of course he loves me, he is just a bit angry and feels like he has to prove something to me. I long for the day when he comes back and everything goes back to normal. I so miss his embraces and the sweet little kisses that he gives me when we are alone together. I always feel so safe and secure when I am with Nels, so happy and loved. Oh, how I love that man!

The "know-it-all" Charles Ingalls came into the store today and bought some pipe tobacco for a trip. Apparently he is going to some small unimportant town a bit farther away than Tracy. He suggested that he would look in on Nels on his way back. Isn't that a wonderful idea? Nels will be so happy! He has always enjoyed Charles's company (I never been able to understand why). I told Charles to tell Nels that I love him. I am sure that he will realize how much he misses me when Charles gives him my little message. Oh, I just know that he is going to be back in a day or two. How I look forward to it! I will really try to make things easier on him. I am determent to be sweet and ever so charming and not to say a bad word to him for at least a month… a week… well a day! After all, the man is somewhat impossible!

Now it is time for me to put the light out and go to bed. It is very late and the children have been asleep for hours. My eyes are so tired and sore but I will never ever agree to wear those ridiculous eye-glasses that that silly eye-doctor in Mankato told me to wear. I look like an old senile woman in them! Well… Good night dear diary, I'll try to write some more tomorrow.


	8. 9th of September 1881

9th of September 1881

Dear diary!

Oh dear god, it is as I feared! My husband is in love with that wretch Molly Reardon! I could see it in his eyes the moment he entered the house. His eyes were changed, they were not the same. Heavens! My world is falling apart!

I was so incredibly happy when I looked out through the window and saw his carriage. I thought that he had gotten my message and that he was finally coming home. But I was wrong, so terribly wrong! I greeted him as I always do when he's been away. I threw my arms around his neck and told him that I had missed him. He did smile to me and kissed my cheek, but I could see no tenderness in his eyes, no love! He looked at me as if I was some random woman he just met on the street. The children were awfully happy to see their father again, especially Willie. He so admires and looks up to his father (he is, unfortunately, becoming more and more like his father for every day that passes).

After dinner Nels and I sat down to count his receipts. I thought that it would be a good time for us to talk and spend some time together. But Nels clearly did not want to discuss our delicate matter, no – he just kept bragging about what a success his damn wagon store had become. I almost felt like smacking him! After half an hour or so, I noticed that a cameo was missing – one of the very expensive ones. I could see that Nels turned pale. He then hurried conjure up a ridiculous story and told me that he had lost it. Lost it? How stupid does that man think I am? Nels has always been very careful with his belongings and he would NEVER EVER lose a cameo. No, I know for certain that he gave that beautiful, very expensive cameo to that bloody husband stealer Molly. I know it for a fact, because he has a weakness for cameos. He has given me several ones during our years as married. Oh god, I just pray that we will keep on being married. I don't want to lose him!

It feels kind of strange writing this, considering the fact that I'm in bed and Nels is only laying a couple of centimeters away from me. He is asleep, naturally. He fell asleep the moment his head met his pillow. He did not even wish me a good night! One part of me wants to confront him, tell him that I know about him and little Molly. But I can't do that, because if I do, he might walk out on me and never come back. I would not be able to handle it. I love him so terribly much! And I thought he loved me too. Only a year ago, when the he and the children had caught anthrax and I thought he was about to die, I said to him that I couldn't understand how put up with me. He then looked at me with his kind loving eyes and told me that he did not put up with me, but that he loved me. That was the sweetest thing he has ever said to me! And now, only a year later, he neither loves nor puts up with me. Oh good grief, tears are dwelling up inside me but I won't cry. I won't! I will be strong! I have no intention to let Nels see me weak and desperate. No, I'll try to be strong. It is now time for me to turn off the lights. I pray that Nels will have come to his senses tomorrow and that everything will go back to normal. I miss my husband so much that it hurts!


	9. 10th of September 1881

10th of September 1881

Dear diary!

I don't know what to do! Nels has left me, he has truly left me. Oh god! Oh my god! I can't believe it! Oh my Nels! I can barely write because my hand is shaking so much and my eyes are filled with tears. I don't want to cry, I want to be angry – but the only thing that I feel is sadness and despair. I can't do anything! The only thing I can think of is Nels. I can't think of anything else. Oh please please, come back!

When I woke up this morning I really thought that our disagreement was all over because Nels's hand was resting on my waist. His touch, his soft way, gave me such pleasure and I felt so happy. I thought that it was finally over, that it all had gone back to normal – but I was wrong. As I placed my hand upon his, he woke up and with saying as much as a single word he quickly removed his hand from my waist, got out of bed and left the room. At first I was chocked, but then I got up. I found standing with his back to the wall, with his eyes closed and his arms folded across his chest. I walked up to him and carefully put my arms around his neck. He neither dismissed nor encouraged me so I decided to take a risk and kiss him. He instantly answered my kiss and ran his hands over my back, but then he suddenly pulled away and quickly disappeared into the bedroom. A moment later, without saying anything, he emerged from the bedroom and walked downstairs without even looking at me. I could tell from the look on his face that he did not want me to disturb him, that he was angry and irritated.

After having breakfast I opened the store while Nels (who had been having his breakfast in the kitchen, while the children and I had breakfast in the dining room) went upstairs. An hour went by without him coming down so I decided to go upstairs. I opened the bedroom door and I got a real chock. Before me, wearing an ugly hairpiece that looked something like a dead squirrel, stood Nels and admired himself in the mirror. He looked so funny that I couldn't help laughing. He looked like an old fool and I told him so. I should not have done that. I really should not have done that! He got so incredibly mad! He started shouting and said:

"Leave it to you to say the cruel and cutting thing."

Well, what was I supposed to say? I was telling him the truth because I care for him, because I love him. But he did not understand that, oh no. He 'started going on about how he didn't want to hear my version of the truth and then he snatched his bag from the bed and said goodbye. I hurried to ask him when he would be back and his answer broke my heart. He said:

"I don't know when I'll be back, or if!"

As he slammed the door in my face I could feel my whole world falling apart. I don't know what to do, I really don't. I just can't imagine life without my husband. I love him more than anything in the entire world! But he won't be back. Oh god, he will not be back! What am I to do? Oh please God, help me! I can't help thinking that if I had been a better wife to him this would not have happened. If I had not been so selfish and greedy and full of myself he would be here with me. I have hurt him so badly, so many times. I have disrespected him and neglected him. I should have given him another child when he asked me to. I wish I that I had treated him differently. Oh dear god, if you bring my husband back to me I promise that I will be a good wife to him. I will honor and obey him. I promise! Just bring him back, please… just bring him back. Please god, think of my children. They need their father just as much as I need my husband. The situation is hopeless so I put all my faith to you god. Please bring my Nels back home to his family! I can't live without him. He is my whole world and I love him!


	10. 11th of September 1881

**11****th**** of September 1881**

I can't eat. I can't sleep. Thank god for the children. If it wasn't for them, I would have no reason to get up in the morning. If he ever comes back to me, I shall make everything up to him. I'll be the best little wifey in the whole world! I promise! I feel awfully lonely, but I guess that I have to get used to feeling this way. After all, next time I hear from my husband he will probably ask for a divorce. He doesn't love me anymore. He loves Molly Reardon. Young Molly Reardon who can give him more children. I can't but I wish I could. Now, more than ever, I wish that I hadn't miscarried in 1876. That baby was very important for us; it was supposed to bring some joy back into our marriage. I don't usually admit it, but things haven't been good between us for years. I love him very much, but I am tired of the constant bickering and arguing. I know that it is all my fault. I am therefore determined to put everything right if he comes back. If Nels returns home, I shall show him how much I love him and how much he means to me. He deserves that!


	11. 12th of September 1881

Dear diary

I just received a telegram from Nels. I nearly fainted when mrs Forster brought it to me, for I was sure he was telegraphing to ask me for a divorce. Words cannot describe the relief I felt, when I realized that he was not. Instead, he is coming home. _My husband_ is coming home. And here was I thinking that I would never see him again.

Lord, I can't remember ever being so nervous. It feels just like when we were courting, and I spent hours in front of the mirror to make myself look my very best for him. That Molly Reardon might be half my age, but I want him to see that even though I am no longer that young – I still want to make an effort for him. I know that he thinks me silly when I wear my face creams to bed, but I only do it for him. I know that he appreciates beautiful women, and I want to be beautiful for him. It is my little way of keeping him happy, of giving him pleasure.

Really, it is plain silly to be as nervous as I am when one has been married for more than twenty years. I can't help it. It feels as though the rest of my life is depending on this night. I shall not scold him, I shall not complain. No, he doesn't deserve that. He has always been a very good husband and father, and everything that has happened is my fault. He usually puts up with my behavior, but it's been too much for him lately. I must stay calm. The only thing I really want to do is throw my arms around him and tell him how sorry I am and how much I love him.

I will not scare him away. I intend to make him feel welcome. I made a mistake the first time he came home, demanding that he should cook for me and the children. I should have told him how much I had missed him, how sad and lonely my life is without him. I should have said that I was sorry.

I must stop writing soon, for I have a roust in the oven. I am surprising him with a romantic candle light supper. _Without children! _We haven't had a night to ourselves for ages. I think that it is important for us to be alone together. The children often makes him frustrated. They can be a little insensitive sometimes, especially my little Nellie. I love the child to bits, but she has never been able to control her temper. Hopefully, she will become more like her father when she grows older, or meet a man as kind and sensible as her father who can calm her just like Nels calms me. If it wasn't for him, Walnut Grove would probably have hanged me by now.

Goodness gracious, I must stop writing or I will burn the roust. That would be a disaster. I want everything to be perfect for his homecoming.


End file.
